Conflict Response

There was something I would like to share in a book I read some time ago, The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. It was about conflict respones. He has a chart in a half circle. One end has escape respones (peace faking), the middle has conciliation responses (peace making), the end has attack responses (peace breaking). I would like to share his thoughts through some quotes on the escape response.

"Escape Response...people tend to use these responses when they are more interested in avoiding a conflict than in resolving it....is common within the church because many Christians believe that all conflict is wrong or dangerous...they will do one of three things to escape from conflict.

1. Denial-pretend the conflict doesn't exist...brings temporay relief
2. Flight-run away...may be a legitimate response when it is impossible to resolve
3. Suicide"

(End of quote)

In any relationship there are small, no big deal, differences that each party can overlook. Like squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle. It may need some patience to deal with how the other person does things but it doesn't have to be discussed every time. Then there are major differences or offences that can't be ignored. They need to be discussed and worked out. If a person steals from you, commits adultry, abuses you. You can't just use an escape response and pretend like the problem is not there just so you can get along and have peace because it is a fake peace. And if one person is not willing to stop the adultery, stealing, or abuse after you talk about it and talk about it, it is time for the receiving person to say I will not accept your abuse any more and until you can stop doing this and say you're sorry(which is what repentance is) I will not accept the abuse anymore.

In my past church experience, the denial escape response has been used and used until it is worn out. Many wouldn't dare admit they had sin in their life because they were supposed to be holy so you didn't dare admit anything was wrong because they professed to be a holy people, separate and better than any other church and the only ones going to heaven and it was a fake peace.

I spent many years under a ministry who would never admit they were wrong. It was always the "people" meaning the congregation that were the cause of any failure. For years we patiently worked and would have peaceful meetings with discussions when we knew that there was conflict that needed worked out. But these meetings never bore any fruit of the conflict working out. These things compounded over the years until the whole church was full of infection. And then there were multiple splits.

Jesus and Paul were not backward about telling people to beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, the "religious, holy people of their day." Here are some Biblical examples.

KJV
Mt 16:6

6 Then Jesus said unto them, Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees.

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KJV
Mt 16:11

11 How is it that ye do not understand that I spake it not to you concerning bread, that ye should beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees?

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KJV
Mt 16:12

12 Then understood they how that he bade them not beware of the leaven of bread, but of the doctrine of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees.
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KJV
Mk 8:15

15 And he charged them, saying, Take heed, beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, and of the leaven of Herod.

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KJV
Lk 12:1

1 In the mean time, when there were gathered together an innumerable multitude of people, insomuch that they trode one upon another, he began to say unto his disciples first of all, Beware ye of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy.

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KJV
1Co 5:6

6 Your glorying is not good. Know ye not that a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump?
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KJV
1Co 5:7

7 Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened. For even Christ our passover is sacrificed for us:

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KJV
1Co 5:8

8 Therefore let us keep the feast, not with old leaven, neither with the leaven of malice and wickedness; but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.
   
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KJV
Gal 5:9

9 A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump.

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New people can come into a congregation like that not knowing the infection that is there because there are still members that are using the escape reponse to conflict and will love them right into the congregation. New people get saved because because of the gospel, not because of a healthy congregation. The leaven is still there and years down the road history is repeated.

An example: A doctor can discover a small cancer in a person, leave the cancer there, sew him up, and the outside wound heal beautifully. The doctor and some people may know it is there but they choose the escape response and a fake peace. New people may see that person, not know there is cancer growing inside the person and see nothing but health on the outside. One or a few people may try to tell others we've got to get the cancer out but nobody will listen. Meanwhile the cancer is growing and eventually becomes a major problem and then death.

Isaiah (as well as other prophets) was sent to warn Israel of their condition:

Isaiah 1:5-6 "the whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint. 6 From the sole of the foot even unto the head there is no soundness in it; but wounds, and bruises, and putrifying sores: they have not been closed, neither bound up, neither mollified with ointment."

One of the books I have on my book shelf is "How to recover from churches that abuse". There are churches that have "cult like symptoms". One of those symptoms is a ministry who can do no wrong and with people following them no matter what goes on. There is fear put on the congregation that this place is the only place you can go and still get to heaven.

It is difficult for me to conclude this post. I, like Paul confessed in a letter to the church, was chief among sinners. And I don't have all the answers. But I will stand on what God has shown me to do and trust Him for what I have no answer for.